Constantly feeling a tightness in my chest. Even though there are no tears, it feels like my heart is malfunctioning. No, it doesn't feel like my heart is tearing apart. It is a slow yet equally painful process. Maybe this is the difference between being heartbroken and slowly falling out of love. I am suspecting mine is the latter.

No, it doesn't make it any easier or less painful. But it is different.

I am not even angry. I was very angry during my first breakup. The 5 stages of loss - I experienced them all. This time, it was a slow and mature acceptance that is slowly but surely picking at my heart. It is slow and painful.

My now-ex (how weird it is to call him that when I was still calling him baby about a week ago) has had tons of girlfriends before me. No, he is not a player or a womaniser. Maybe in the past, he didn't really take relationships that seriously. But he was with me for 4 years without cheating or playing around. He was a good guy. But his tons of girlfriends before me broke up with him and never did speak to him again. I only had one boyfriend before him and I continued to speak to him after we broke up until we naturally drifted apart due to our busy lives.

I am not used to being treated as coldly as he is treating me now after the breakup. The 180 degrees change is too much for me to handle. I am used to naturally letting the conversations flow (yes, it may all be an act that all is ok) and let the fire slowly simmer to nothing. It is a process of healing. There is more denial but it is less painful. And it salvages what is left of the relationship. It helps to keep the remaining friendship intact. After all, your partner would have been your best friend for the past few years. It is truly a waste to just let the relationship die like this.

Now, his replies are never more than a few words. I initiate all of the conversations. Sometimes, I pretend to have something to tell him to get his response. I guess it is good that he is at least replying me. That is probably the best he can manage. But for me, it is as hurtful as having a friend abandon you all of a sudden one day citing "incompatibility" issues. Oh, I hate that word. Divorces start like that too don't they? Am trying my best to make sense of these all while keeping my heart pumping normally.

Phew. What a relief to have somewhere to rant it all out so at least I don't get a heart attack from bursting my veins haha.

Till next time. Hang in there, heartbroken buddies.

-j

[Disclaimer: Don't know how long this blog will last. Just wanted a place to write my thoughts to feel like I'm  telling them to someone. With the pace of life, I may end up giving up on this very soon. Haha.]

Wished it was all an April fool joke. Some days I open my eyes and hope it was all a dream. That the breakup was a dream. Some days I hope that even the relationship was a dream. The 4 years together that brought me so much happiness was gone in an instant. Over Facebook Messenger video call. More than ten of thousands of kilometres away. I couldn't comprehend that for a good week. He seemed to have it in mind for some time already. Why didn't I know? Why didn't I notice? All I can remember are good memories but I suspect all he can remember are bad ones. And this isn't the first time this happened to me.

6 years ago, almost exactly the same thing happened. I found myself happily in love and found myself in the face of a breakup. I must have done something wrong, to have both guys I put my heart into loving want to break up with me. But I must have done something right too because both didn't want to breakup unless I agreed. Instead of dumping me, they wanted a mutual breakup. But guys who are reading this, DON'T BE A BASTARD. Forcing a girl to agree to a breakup is more painful than dumping her. Trust me. I know it hurts. My first boyfriend told me the heartbreak will always be worse when it is the first time. Bullshit. This time it wasn't any better.

Up till the end of March, there were still kisses and hugs in our conversations. We video called using WhatsApp and Facebook Messenger. I was trying my best to heck this LDR. Whoever did survive an LDR, kudos to both parties. I suck at it. But I was trying. And I thought all was good. And suddenly one day on April Fool's Day it all exploded. It started with a small whining on my part about work and all. And it turned into a prosecution about me spending time on all the unnecessary people and things, spreading the negative energy etc. I thought that sharing all the troubles and worries and frustration was part of being together. But he thought that I was just whining and not having any action on mitigating the problems. The conversation led to greater things about having different dreams in life, not being compatible etc. It wasn't something that could have been felt in that instant. It was accumulated. Maybe throughout the 4 years. But I was stupid. I never felt it, I never noticed it. Not when we laughed and joked. Not when he kept quiet when he was angry. Not when we had sex and hugged each other like there was no other person on Earth. Not when we bickered and quarrelled with the aim to win.

I am not the best-natured girl. But I am casual and carefree. I learnt, the hard way, from my first relationship the effects of holding back and making him feel unloved. This time, I gave my all. I loved him and expressed it unconditionally. In ways I know. Which may not be ways he could feel. The first breakup, I did not try to make him stay at all. I let him go because my ego could not allow myself to beg the one I love to stay. This time, I held on. I told him that I want to continue trying. I told him I still loved him and I want to try to change with the new information that he had provided that I had no clue of. But he kept saying he saw no point in us being together. But he didn't say that deciding statement. I had to ask, in between tears and loads of unwillingness, whether that meant it was over. He never once addressed the breakup. BASTARD. Yes, I still love him. But I still want to scold this BASTARD. When you try to be the nice guy till the end, you become the worst ever. The least he could do to help was to take the knife and stab my heart, instead of passing me the knife to stab my own heart. How sadistic.

Now every day I waste useless time staring at blank space. I waste time thinking about the "what if"s. What if I had answered differently that day? What if I didn't complain about work that day? What if I refused to give in and refused to break up? What if I went back in time to 4 years ago and didn't accept him? What if I had let go of his hand in his car when he grabbed my hand and told me to be his? Would I have met someone else who would love me better and longer? Would we still be good friends? What if I had put down everything to go overseas with him when he went to study? Would everything be fine? Would we be married? After I am done with the "what if"s, I move on to "will we". Will we meet up when he is back in September? Will we be awkward? Will we be friends again? Will we ever get back together? Will we be able to iron out our differences? Will we meet someone new and be able to love again?

So much time wasted thinking of the impossible past and the unknown future. AND writing this post. But I guess it gives me some form of outlet to crystallise my random thoughts running all around my brain and ramming themselves so hard on the walls of my skull I can hardly think straight.

And to heartbroken people like me out there: I don't know if I am the only weird one. Listening to happy music or reading happy articles doesn't really help me. I am not at the stage of acceptance yet. I seem to find more comfort in sad music and blunt articles because they allow me to express the sadness that is hidden under my smiling mask. And if you are like me, take your time to grief. Once you have had the time to properly grief, you will be able to move on better. Hopefully. For now: some articles for the lonely souls out there. And I have definitely not learnt to let go yet (reference 2nd article).

http://thoughtcatalog.com/oshin-ahlawat/2017/04/you-forgot-how-to-be-in-love-and-i-forgot-how-to-be-alone/

http://thoughtcatalog.com/kirsten-corley/2017/04/what-letting-go-actually-is-because-it-isnt-as-simple-as-moving-on/

Till next time. It has been a healing journey. Hang on heartbroken buddies.

-j