Constantly feeling a tightness in my chest. Even though there are no tears, it feels like my heart is malfunctioning. No, it doesn't feel like my heart is tearing apart. It is a slow yet equally painful process. Maybe this is the difference between being heartbroken and slowly falling out of love. I am suspecting mine is the latter.
No, it doesn't make it any easier or less painful. But it is different.
I am not even angry. I was very angry during my first breakup. The 5 stages of loss - I experienced them all. This time, it was a slow and mature acceptance that is slowly but surely picking at my heart. It is slow and painful.
My now-ex (how weird it is to call him that when I was still calling him baby about a week ago) has had tons of girlfriends before me. No, he is not a player or a womaniser. Maybe in the past, he didn't really take relationships that seriously. But he was with me for 4 years without cheating or playing around. He was a good guy. But his tons of girlfriends before me broke up with him and never did speak to him again. I only had one boyfriend before him and I continued to speak to him after we broke up until we naturally drifted apart due to our busy lives.
I am not used to being treated as coldly as he is treating me now after the breakup. The 180 degrees change is too much for me to handle. I am used to naturally letting the conversations flow (yes, it may all be an act that all is ok) and let the fire slowly simmer to nothing. It is a process of healing. There is more denial but it is less painful. And it salvages what is left of the relationship. It helps to keep the remaining friendship intact. After all, your partner would have been your best friend for the past few years. It is truly a waste to just let the relationship die like this.
Now, his replies are never more than a few words. I initiate all of the conversations. Sometimes, I pretend to have something to tell him to get his response. I guess it is good that he is at least replying me. That is probably the best he can manage. But for me, it is as hurtful as having a friend abandon you all of a sudden one day citing "incompatibility" issues. Oh, I hate that word. Divorces start like that too don't they? Am trying my best to make sense of these all while keeping my heart pumping normally.
Phew. What a relief to have somewhere to rant it all out so at least I don't get a heart attack from bursting my veins haha.
Till next time. Hang in there, heartbroken buddies.
-j
No, it doesn't make it any easier or less painful. But it is different.
I am not even angry. I was very angry during my first breakup. The 5 stages of loss - I experienced them all. This time, it was a slow and mature acceptance that is slowly but surely picking at my heart. It is slow and painful.
My now-ex (how weird it is to call him that when I was still calling him baby about a week ago) has had tons of girlfriends before me. No, he is not a player or a womaniser. Maybe in the past, he didn't really take relationships that seriously. But he was with me for 4 years without cheating or playing around. He was a good guy. But his tons of girlfriends before me broke up with him and never did speak to him again. I only had one boyfriend before him and I continued to speak to him after we broke up until we naturally drifted apart due to our busy lives.
I am not used to being treated as coldly as he is treating me now after the breakup. The 180 degrees change is too much for me to handle. I am used to naturally letting the conversations flow (yes, it may all be an act that all is ok) and let the fire slowly simmer to nothing. It is a process of healing. There is more denial but it is less painful. And it salvages what is left of the relationship. It helps to keep the remaining friendship intact. After all, your partner would have been your best friend for the past few years. It is truly a waste to just let the relationship die like this.
Now, his replies are never more than a few words. I initiate all of the conversations. Sometimes, I pretend to have something to tell him to get his response. I guess it is good that he is at least replying me. That is probably the best he can manage. But for me, it is as hurtful as having a friend abandon you all of a sudden one day citing "incompatibility" issues. Oh, I hate that word. Divorces start like that too don't they? Am trying my best to make sense of these all while keeping my heart pumping normally.
Phew. What a relief to have somewhere to rant it all out so at least I don't get a heart attack from bursting my veins haha.
Till next time. Hang in there, heartbroken buddies.
-j
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