Dreams

Watching a random drama and the female lead reflects,

When you are young, people often ask you, "What's your dream?" But as you get older, less people ask you about your dreams.

The world makes it hard for adults to keep their dreams. And reality creates distance between you and your dream. The dream begins to feel insignificant and you forget about it altogether.

But before you completely forget about the dream... (cross-cutting of another scene) Then luckily, even as an adult, someone asked me about my dream again.

It has been long since dreams were of any concern to me. Realities of life and work and financial concerns took priority. Before breaking up with my ex, he asked me many times, "What is your purpose in life?", "What do you want to achieve in life?" There were many things I wanted to achieve and to fulfill in this life. However, looking back, none of these were related to my dreams when I was young.

With a little bit of spare time now, I am beginning to think if my childhood dreams are still things I subconsciously still want to achieve but have given up hope on.

I knew there was a time when I wanted to be a singer. Maybe not the mainstream pop kind who produce thrashy albums. But I wanted to sing. Evaluating my options, singing as a career is not possible at all (I sing decently well but not well enough to earn a living) but singing as a past time is definitely plausible. New goal: To sing at some open mic night to unleash the singing diva in me again. HAHA.

And then there was a time I wanted to be a pilot. Well, I had the opportunity to fulfill that dream as a career when I was 19. I gave up on that dream to chase the current career that I have. Do I regret it? Not really. But I do wonder from time to time what it would be like if I had taken up the opportunity. Well, now I don't think I want to be a pilot anymore. But if I ever have the chance and money to get a private flying license, I will definitely consider it. (Typical example of the conflict of realities and dreams ha.) But I want to still want to fly. So.. New goal: Skydive!

The last and perhaps most practical dream I had when I was 16, was to be a journalist. With some blessings from Lady Luck, I was transferred to the corporate comms department in my organisation for 1.5 years about 3 years ago. It was really a random godsend because I have no prior experience or qualifications in the world of media and communications. The learning curve was steep but I enjoyed what I did and learnt fast. Do I still want to be a journalist? I am not sure. But I know I am still interested in that field. And so, I shall equip myself with the skills required for me to grab the chance when it presents itself. New goal: Attend some kind of comms course to open up options.

Last but definitely not least, I sort of came to a conclusion that my purpose in life is to positively influence people around me. That is also why I am always very affected by things and people seemingly unrelated to me. I want to be able to positively influence people and when I fail to do that I blame myself for it (something my ex couldn't handle). So (with a little bit of impulse), I have signed up to volunteer at a place which coaches youths-at-risk. There is nothing more apt than volunteering there to fulfill the higher calling in me.

I don't know how long I will keep these dreams and the actions to realise these dreams for. But I know for now I will give my best to chase these long-forgotten dreams and I hope you will do the same too.

What dreams have you forgotten about? Do you still want to achieve them? (Note: Don't ask if you still can.. but ask if you still WANT.)

All the best chasing our dreams guys.

-j

Drunk Texting

Hello! I am back!

Like finally.

Long hiatus due to a 1-month long work trip.

Funny how good I actually feel now after the work trip. Haha. I am a workaholic. So as I get busy with work, it becomes easier to forget the heartache. Because of that I also stop texting weird texts to my ex because I simply don't have the time to. Still taking the initiative to text him because I don't want to lose a friend. Not sure if he still wants to be friends though. :(

Ok, so as the title above probably already revealed, I drunk texted him. Haha. So much for saying that I have stopped sending weird texts to him.

So it happened during the last few days of my work trip. We had a dinner to celebrate the end of the successful trip and I had some drinks with my colleagues. And to my horror, I sent him a text reading "I miss you", followed by many stupid monkey emoticons covering his ears when my ex replied me. Yes, the chat was filled with that stupid monkey emoticon the next morning when I checked my phone.

Did I remember sending him a text? Yes, though not clearly. Did I know what I was sending? I think I did. Did I intend to tell him about how I feel? No, that was never the intention. At least not in my conscious mind.

So what did I find out through this incident? The funny thing is, I wasn't completely conked out when I sent the text. People say that alcohol makes you reveal your true thoughts you never know. I say alcohol gives you the courage to do the things you didn't dare to when you are sober. Thinking back, I did not text him because I was absolutely drunk and was uttering nonsense. I texted him while still semi-sober, but with a weird sense of bravery and adrenaline the alcohol had induced in me.

Did I appreciate what my alcohol-induced bravery had done? Not really. It made things awkward for a while and made me fear that I would lose a friend and a role model forever. And thinking back, I don't really want to revive this relationship right now. I don't want to do anything that keeps looking back. With time comes many realisations.

"Maybe we'll meet again, when we are slightly older and our minds less hectic, and I'll be right for you and you'll be right for me. But right now, I am chaos to your thoughts and you are poison to my heart."

Enough heartache for the time being, I just want to move on and heal. Saw this interesting image online; I don't want to have a Franky heart so I will let my heart take a rest for now.

Heart like a bitten apple now. Next up, Franky in the house.

Ok enough rambling from me for now. I will still continue to reflect on the healing road and hopefully help some broken souls out there to heal together with me. For now, a song that I couldn't stop listening for the past one month:

Happy Happier weekend.

-j